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H&amp,R helps you make sense of moving forward
How to deal with losing your horse. “It’s only a horse.” As riders and owners, we’ve all been on the receiving end of this sentiment. We’ve heard it when we’ve missed a social engagement to change a poultice or when we’ve spoken fondly of our horses’ achievements, as though they’re members of the family.

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But this is because to us, they are members of the family, and the emotional, physical and financial investments we put into them run deep. When they inevitably leave us, either because they’ve reached the natural end of their full and active lives or because an accident or injury foreshortens their time, it’s not ‘only a horse’ that we have to learn to live without. It’s a bond built up over time and with great patience, a reliable comfort that we’ve grown to depend on and, in many cases, the crumbling of future plans. Losing a horse can also mean a momentous change in lifestyle, as horse ownership not only takes up a lot of time, but is often the root of important friendships and social circles. The weight of grief can often seem too heavy to lift, especially in the early stages. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – the day will come when you can look back on the memory of your horse with fond remembrance, rather than with pain, but the way in which you grieve and how long you need to feel like yourself again is personal to you. The grieving process. Although grief doesn’t follow a linear pattern and everyone reacts differently to loss, it can help to familiarise yourself with the five stages of the grieving process. You may experience some or all of these, and not necessarily in this order, but knowing that there’s a root cause for the plethora of emotions and that they’re normal can help you find your feet in the bereavement process. Denial is often the first reaction to grief. You may experience it after your horse passes as an internal insistence that ‘this can’t be happening’, or you may feel it pre-emptively if he’s suffering from an illness or injury that forces you to make the final call. Denial is an emotional defence mechanism that’s used by your subconscious to block out the initial pain of grief, allowing you to process it. Anger is how the first real waves of grief are usually expressed. Once the denial phase ends and the pain of grieving begins to break through, you may find yourself lashing out at friends or family, feeling angry at yourself, or resenting your horse for leaving you or the vet for not saving him. This is often cyclical – anger will be followed by guilt, which will turn back into anger. Bargaining is how your subconscious deals with circumstances beyond your control. It may manifest itself as ‘what if’ and ‘if only’ thoughts – ‘if only I’d spotted the problem sooner’, ‘what if I’d done something differently’, ‘if only the circumstances had been different’. Or, if you’re coming to this point in the grieving process prior to your horse being put down, you may find yourself trying to make deals in your head, such as “if my horse gets better, I won’t get frustrated with him anymore when he misbehaves.” Depression is the emotion most commonly associated with the grieving process. It can appear in a variety of ways – you may feel worried and regretful about the practicalities and costs related to the loss of your horse, if you own more than one horse you may worry that you’ve neglected the others while processing your loss, or you may feel as though your life is empty or lacking in meaning without your horse. Even just getting out of bed in the morning may be a struggle and you might think you won’t ever feel happy again. Acceptance isn’t a miracle cure that will suddenly make you feel alright about what’s happened, but rather the recognition that life without your horse is the reality now. Accepting the truth means that you can start to be proactive again – you may think about reintroducing riding into your life or, if you own more than one horse, you may take steps to adjust your remaining horse’s routine so that he can cope with the loss of his companion. The positive steps you take during this stage will help you to get back on terra firma and allow you to be happy again. The weight of responsibility. The loss of your horse can come with complicated emotions unique to animal bereavement. If you’ve made the hard decision to put him to sleep, your grieving process may start from the moment the call is made. You may feel guilty or angry at your self, or worry that you’ve made the wrong choice. These feelings are normal and it can often help to chat with your vet to help mitigate the idea that you could have done something differently. Helping healing. Although it can seem like the hardest thing to do, taking a proactive approach to recovery can be a huge help. If your horse was at livery, you may be tempted to ask a friend to clear his stable and pack up his belongings so you don’t have to face it, but often, doing it yourself can help you come to terms with the situation. You may also be surprised to find how much support and sympathy you receive from the other liveries, giving you an emotional support system you may not have realised you had. Coping mechanisms. Verbalising your emotions is a productive way to learn how to understand and manage them, making it a vital step in the healing process. There are several ways you can go about this and any of them, or a combination, can be equally helpful… chat to a sympathetic friend or family member . Talking to someone you trust and who you feel comfortable expressing your emotions in front of can help you release some of the tumultuous feelings that may build up, particularly in the period immediately following your horse’s passing. keep a diary . Writing your feelings down allows you to express yourself without feeling self-conscious and can also help you keep track of how you’re coping. You may find that as time goes by your entries focus more on recalling happy memories than on the emotional upheaval. speak to a professional . Bereavement counsellors are trained to understand all of the complex emotions that surround the grieving process, and can help you process and accept them. Many specialise in pet bereavement, so don’t feel as though you’re not eligible to speak to someone. Counsellors are particularly helpful if you really feel as though you can’t cope. Stronger together. Knowing that you’re not alone and aren’t being irrational can take the pressure off you to be okay straightaway. Talking to someone who’s gone through the same thing can provide a huge amount of comfort. Moving forward. Deciding to ride again can come with its own complicated spectrum of emotions. You may feel guilty about letting another horse into your life or you may find that you make unfavourable comparisons between a new horse and the one you’ve lost. The key is to give yourself plenty of time. If you competed regularly with your horse, it’s easy to put too much pressure on yourself to get back out onto the circuit and continue your season. But unless you’re a professional rider and rely on competing to make a living, it may hinder your grieving process to push yourself to do too much, too soon. There’s no set timeline for when you’ll be ready to reapproach riding – instead, listen to your gut feelings. When you feel that you genuinely want to ride again or enter a competition, do so. Don’t do anything just because you feel you should. If you don’t want to take a break from horses, but find yourself struggling with guilt or other negative emotions, volunteering can be a productive way to overcome them.

My horse stories hack